So I have decided that its time for me to go back to the way I was raised. My aunt taught me values and that God comes first. To be honest with you and myself I haven't been putting god first the last few years. I however know that is wrong and that I shouldn't live that way but I am ready to change for the best. My son needs to learn about Jesus. As I was growing up I always said that I was going to let my kids grow up in church just as I did. So far I haven't stuck with that. I feel really bad because I know Antie would have wanted me too.
I just want to make God, myself and my family happy with the choices I make in life. So far I think I have made some pretty good choices. I am currently trying to finish school and get a degree so that I can get a good job. I want Benjamin to look up to me and say I am proud of my mommy. I don't want to raise him and then later on he hate me. The only reason I say that is because of the way I feel about my mom.
My mom wasn't there when she needed to be. She was not worried about her kids and she should have been. Because of my mom my sister doesn't want anything to do with me or the family. I kinda feel bad because I love my sister with all my heart. I won't mention her name because I want to respect her as a person. I will say however the choices my mom made effected my life and her life.
I don't want Benjamin to look back and have the same feelings about me as I do my mom. Antie told me that momma wasn't around cuz she was busy but as I growed I learned that Antie was just trying to protect my feelings. Resentment is a huge thing in my life. I resent my mom for leaving me and not doing what a mother is suppose to do. I resent that she choose her boyfriends over me. I mean come on she birthed me why can't she choose me? It was and still is her choice.
I thought that Momma was finally straighted up until August of 2008 when we both moved back to GA from FL. She was good for a while but quickly slipped back into her old ways. I really hated being around her when she was drunk. I also didn't wany MY son growing up with someone always drinking around him, so i left her. She was pretty mad for a while. She came to my job raising heck and even called me a sorry B. Yep that is my mom for ya. She thinks that she is the only one that can leave.
But I left her house and started my own life. I have done great for Benjamin. He has stuff he never would have had if I would have stayed. Don't get me wrong I love my mom for giving birth to me but that is all she has ever done for me. She doesn't care about anyone but her. Its a shame because she has 3 kids. Myself and my sister have huge resentments towards her. I don't know if Keith does or don't but I do know that she has lost her kids.
My blessing is that god sees what you need and gives it to you when the time is right. He loves his children and will provide for him. You have to trust that god knows best. If you don't trust him then more than likely he will no provide until he knows that you have trust. I love god and I love church. When I was growing up I never missed a sunday morning, night or wednesday night church service. I will again become that way. I have to trust that god knows best. He is always here. I have come to realize that he will not give you to much to handle. He tests us! He knows what we can handle.
Quote of the day: "To blessed to be stressed"
I saw this on a church sign the other day and it really meant something to me. Church signs has been talkin to me lately. God is really trying hard to make me see I need church and him. I know that.
Anyways I seen this:
"Don't play chicken with the one who made them"
Pretty powerful saying! Think about it!
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